4 months, thought buildup, and sleep deprivation at its finest

I’ve been with the love of my life Melissa for a little over 4 months now, and things are pretty great I think. To hear the kinds of things come from her mouth about how much she loves me gives me a warm feeling inside that makes the world around me melt away. We love each other so much at this point if we were to break up for any reason, one or both of us would be extremely devastated to the point where you would want to watch us closely for fear of what we might do alone. That’s something that has crossed my mind a couple of times, kind of an awkward thing to think about, but it’s true. But this is also good because that means that we could stay together forever if things stayed anywhere near to the way they are now. For me now the biggest struggle is trying to not get too complacent and continue to try and be amazing for her. Of course if I wasn’t trying to save money this would make things a bit easier in that department. But Melissa is great and we are pretty much meant to be together if you ask me so I’m just really happy that I found her at this point.

Elsewhere in life I work a lot and that’s going pretty great, I am appreciated and have actually made some friends since starting there. My time as a cashier is actually really nice and bussing makes pretty good money so it works out nice that I split most of my time doing those two jobs. I just need to keep striving to not fuck up and I think I’ll be alright.

I am saving my money that I don’t use for rent/utilities at my new place towards getting a new car between july 17 and july 31 (both paydays) using my money saved as a down payment and making payment of around $175/month for 60 months (crosses fingers). Of course I need a legit co-signer to get a loan and what not, but hopefully it works out and I can actually get a nice car for myself. I am really excited to get my new car and drive it all the time, yet not have to pay more in gas cause my car is just that bad on gas (yes, I drive a POS right now). Hoping for a 2002 - 2004 Honda Civic with around 50k miles on it, but we will see what happens. I’m doing research and looking hardcore, it should pay off in the long run.

I have serious sleep issues…….really like “wtfomgbbq!!!” bad. One hour minimum before I pass out most nights, with sometimes when two hours isn’t enough, such as this past weekend. I don’t even get it most of the time, but my thoughts don’t end and they just kill me slowly. I really need this looked at cause it’s been hanging around pretty much ever since I’ve been in high school, maybe before.

I love my music, it's pretty much amazing. Just saying.

I really want to start like a personal journal thing for myself that I do at least a little bit on every night. Yeah it’s not possible, but I really would like to do it for my own record keeping. Also there is a lot of stuff that crosses my mind that I forget so that would help a lot. Then there is also some personal thoughts I want to record cause I don’t want to pay the money to see a therapist/need to get off my mind, but definitely can’t post online. I would hope to be able to consolidate journal thoughts into posts online or just take particular write happy days and post them online (that I feel I can post online anyways). Maybe I will start this up tomorrow even………yeah sounds like a good plan.

Good thought recording session, I’ll have to do this more often.

And 1,
Alexander

Endless thoughts about the girl I care about the most

So this Saturday will mark the 2^nd month anniversary of me and Melissa. In some ways it feels more meaningful than the first, yet in others it seems less. Getting to the first month seems more meaningful in a sense that it marks the point where you can say that this is for real, and soon the words “I love you” become commonplace in your days with them. However from a personal mental standpoint I see the second month as more important because it shows a level of comfort with your partner, that you’ve seen almost everything they can throw at you, and from here you don’t get many surprises about them. So essentially to me it means what you see now is pretty much what you are going to get, with change not coming easy. So why am I seeing the second month as a bigger deal than the first? Simple, even after seeing a flaw or two in Melissa I wish weren’t there, I still love her more than anything. So to me, it is truly saying, “Babe, I’m in this for the long haul.”

So, instead of getting into the more explicit ways in which my unending love is apparent, I will instead avoid them in favor of a description of her through my own eyes. One thing that most people don’t know about me is the first thing I notice about a girl is their smile, and for Melissa her smile’s beauty is not found through alignment or brightness, but through the truth of pure happiness when it’s shown. Her smile is also very contagious, the kind that makes her friends follow suit and her enemies angry with jealousy of her noticeable happiness. The next thing that I notice is a particular part of personality, the part that screams out an innocent, sweet girl. She grabs hold of these categories naturally in ways nobody else can, making me happy through them and also for her understanding my thoughts. It is a connection that is unique to our personalities clashing. After those two I consider everything else as it comes at me. I like the silky softness found in Melissa’s hair and running my fingers through it. I love the softness in her face and just touching it. On a colder evening, just grabbing a blanket and cuddling and kissing are the best though. Touching those soft lips with mine in the name of passion is a euphoric state the likes of which I didn’t know existed.

So, to say that I’m in this for the long haul is the ONLY way to say it, because a love so great won’t be stopped before reaching the end destination, which looks like paradise from this distance.

Make it happen,
Alexander

Ignorance is bliss, that's what they say

So tonight one of my biggest influences Angie gave me some pretty negative feedback (all be it very brief and somewhat unexplained) about my relationship so far with Melissa. I’m not entirely sure what was fueling this hate, but I can’t help but be concerned after hearing it. She said that we acted like we had never had a girlfriend/boyfriend before, strictly based on how much we were holding hands. Not only that, she made it seem like there was something horribly wrong with holding hands a lot. Then she went on to say that it was bad that she already has a profile picture of us, that it scares her. She made a quick mention of jumping into things too quickly and how things can go bad. To say that I’m a little upset this conversation only got to last about 90 seconds might be the understatement of the month. I feel very angry, and a little disturbed.

First off, why is it so bad that we are holding hands so much? Secondly, if two kids happen to be falling for each other, even if it is in such a short time, who are you to say that it’s so bad? Also, since when is putting up a profile picture with your new boyfriend making a statement that says, “I’m moving things too fast.” That is what it appears Angie is making her second claim based on.

Its like, shouldn’t you just be happy for me, or at least not come off so mean the first time you talk about my relationship? If she has really been keeping good enough tabs on me, she would realize how the way she just attacked me would not sit well at all. Then on top of it, when she called me back, it was she didn’t even just say what she said.

I don’t know, it’s like I’ve been on an emotional high about things and my best friend just decides to shoot me down. Its like, might as well have called me up and said, “I hate everything about you and your new girlfriend’s relationship. BYE!” Grrrrrrrrrrrrr.

Frustrated,
Alexander

The Note

Melissa,

You wrote me a note and it left me speechless at first, but after having a while think about it, I know what I want to say. I’m falling for you too, and I know it because every time I go to leave you, it becomes harder and harder. I’ve never felt like this with anyone, and most of the time I feel lost with what to do around you. Whenever I am holding you, I feel like I could hold on to you forever. Whenever we kiss, it’s like everything in the world is right, if only then. Your smile is perfectly breathtaking; it always gets me smile right back. Your eyes are calm and kind, I can’t help but get lost in them. Before when I would try and go to sleep, my mind would roam, thinking about anything and everything; now they only think of you.

My biggest fear with you since I started feeling this way is that I’m going to let my emotions get the better of me and move faster than you are ready for. That’s why I have been so cautious to do anything it seems, I know you have been through so much and I want to be the last person to push you. The one thing that would make me happy when I’m around you is for you to either tell me when you are ready to take things up a level, or show me yourself. I have a sad recent past and I kick myself for moving too fast in it, it is the reason I haven’t been the first to tell you how I feel.

It’s not easy for me to open up to anyone, only a couple people have ever had a chance to see it, and it’s still hard to tell them how I feel sometimes. Just know that if you ever need to tell me something like this, if I’m not talking it’s not a bad thing at all, it’s just really hard for me to say how I feel.

The big difference between me and the next guy is………

I started to ask myself this question recently, my answer eventually turned out to be the one I was looking for. That answer was that unlike a lot of guys out there, I really care. At first I was struggling to find evidence of such, but even though it wasn’t shown everywhere, it was shown more than enough. I was giving myself a hard time because I couldn’t name the eye color of any girl I’ve ever had feelings for, but eyes are one of the last things I usually notice, and never one of the reasons I like a girl. The first thing about a girl that I notice is her smile. I could probably go on all day about any one girls smile I have ever thought about. And the eventual reason why I truly fall for a girl is her personality, and I could go on about particular things I like about that for years on end. Once I was able to take these things that I like and put them into thoughts about how good they make me feel, I realized how much I really do care.

As it is, in order for anyone to ever really see this side of me, I need to make some improvements to myself. It starts with that part of me I have been working on for a long time, my lack of an outgoing personality. There are strides being made in that department, although I still need to continue to keep on myself about that. From there it starts to move into the aesthetics, most notably wardrobe, hair, and build. If I can move closer to the norm on these, I feel like I will be exactly where I want to be. Currently out of those three I am in the works with the first two, hoping the later will be a large part of my downtime next semester.

Hopefully by the time I end up back at Iowa for my second semester I will just need that last item on my list of improvements. If I can come close to reaching reality, I would be pretty excited for where I am headed, probably motivating me to finish what I started. So here is to hoping that everything goes as I want it.

Do work kid,
A-Mac

On a normal night, I would just be doing some Linear Algebra....

The questions that are constantly dropping before me are the ever so familiar ones to me at this point that it just makes me sick that I can't stop thinking about them. They keep me up much later than I want to be, and never let me focus on schoolwork for more than a few minutes at a time. One thing about me is.......it's just too hard to let go of what you never really know for sure, and then there is always that next confrontation to think about, that you either dread, or just really wish would happen, and sometimes both. For me it has been the later. At this point I just really want to talk to this Breen character and hear her out. I know the day after I had given up all hope and just realized my state of pain i told her that I needed to be away when she wanted to talk, but it was meant to only be for so long. Ever since that day, she has been ignoring me, even today when I saw her for the first time since break, she wanted to ignore me and eventually succeeded in escaping with only a "hi". I just want to get all the details figured out in my head, and not leave it all on bad terms, cause even though I also said that there wasn't anything she could tell me I didn't already know, that statement is at best only partially right. The truth of that is I only know what I have assumed to be true, and that doesn't even answer everything the way she could, so essentially I’m just left with the never-ending thoughts I keep having about the "real truth".

I keep going over this scenario where she shows up at my door and asks if she can talk with me. From there I keep thinking about what I say, what I would ask, and I would always seem to have to hold back a few tears thinking about it. I have heard that she thinks I hate her, and so this is the reason for all the awkward avoidance I’m guessing, but I really just want her to know that I don't hate her at all, that I never did. The truth of the matter is that the way she went about what she did was wrong, but that doesn't mean that people don't make mistakes because they are young and naive, and it doesn't mean that you are a bad person. We all make dumb mistakes, the more and more I replay parts of us being together, the more regret that follows, and I can only call myself stupid and try to learn from my mistakes. Maybe at this point things are beyond repair, but every day I am going to continue to hope that someone helps me get her to talk to me when she thinks she can. I just know the look on her face today was one I didn't want to see, it seemed like the same one I wore until break of, “I can’t look you in the eye right now because it hurts.”

Shadows and Regrets,
A-Mac