The big difference between me and the next guy is………

I started to ask myself this question recently, my answer eventually turned out to be the one I was looking for. That answer was that unlike a lot of guys out there, I really care. At first I was struggling to find evidence of such, but even though it wasn’t shown everywhere, it was shown more than enough. I was giving myself a hard time because I couldn’t name the eye color of any girl I’ve ever had feelings for, but eyes are one of the last things I usually notice, and never one of the reasons I like a girl. The first thing about a girl that I notice is her smile. I could probably go on all day about any one girls smile I have ever thought about. And the eventual reason why I truly fall for a girl is her personality, and I could go on about particular things I like about that for years on end. Once I was able to take these things that I like and put them into thoughts about how good they make me feel, I realized how much I really do care.

As it is, in order for anyone to ever really see this side of me, I need to make some improvements to myself. It starts with that part of me I have been working on for a long time, my lack of an outgoing personality. There are strides being made in that department, although I still need to continue to keep on myself about that. From there it starts to move into the aesthetics, most notably wardrobe, hair, and build. If I can move closer to the norm on these, I feel like I will be exactly where I want to be. Currently out of those three I am in the works with the first two, hoping the later will be a large part of my downtime next semester.

Hopefully by the time I end up back at Iowa for my second semester I will just need that last item on my list of improvements. If I can come close to reaching reality, I would be pretty excited for where I am headed, probably motivating me to finish what I started. So here is to hoping that everything goes as I want it.

Do work kid,
A-Mac

On a normal night, I would just be doing some Linear Algebra....

The questions that are constantly dropping before me are the ever so familiar ones to me at this point that it just makes me sick that I can't stop thinking about them. They keep me up much later than I want to be, and never let me focus on schoolwork for more than a few minutes at a time. One thing about me is.......it's just too hard to let go of what you never really know for sure, and then there is always that next confrontation to think about, that you either dread, or just really wish would happen, and sometimes both. For me it has been the later. At this point I just really want to talk to this Breen character and hear her out. I know the day after I had given up all hope and just realized my state of pain i told her that I needed to be away when she wanted to talk, but it was meant to only be for so long. Ever since that day, she has been ignoring me, even today when I saw her for the first time since break, she wanted to ignore me and eventually succeeded in escaping with only a "hi". I just want to get all the details figured out in my head, and not leave it all on bad terms, cause even though I also said that there wasn't anything she could tell me I didn't already know, that statement is at best only partially right. The truth of that is I only know what I have assumed to be true, and that doesn't even answer everything the way she could, so essentially I’m just left with the never-ending thoughts I keep having about the "real truth".

I keep going over this scenario where she shows up at my door and asks if she can talk with me. From there I keep thinking about what I say, what I would ask, and I would always seem to have to hold back a few tears thinking about it. I have heard that she thinks I hate her, and so this is the reason for all the awkward avoidance I’m guessing, but I really just want her to know that I don't hate her at all, that I never did. The truth of the matter is that the way she went about what she did was wrong, but that doesn't mean that people don't make mistakes because they are young and naive, and it doesn't mean that you are a bad person. We all make dumb mistakes, the more and more I replay parts of us being together, the more regret that follows, and I can only call myself stupid and try to learn from my mistakes. Maybe at this point things are beyond repair, but every day I am going to continue to hope that someone helps me get her to talk to me when she thinks she can. I just know the look on her face today was one I didn't want to see, it seemed like the same one I wore until break of, “I can’t look you in the eye right now because it hurts.”

Shadows and Regrets,
A-Mac